


Behind the Scenes

by Terabyte_my_ass



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Characters of color, Crying, Dating, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of alcohol, Porn, Racism, Slurs, Subspace, blindfold, clothespins, tied up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-10 02:28:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19898374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terabyte_my_ass/pseuds/Terabyte_my_ass
Summary: “Have you, um, have you ever dated before?”  He was shy, obviously never having dated himself.Brennan gave a small smile.  This guy was pretty cute.  “I’ve had one boyfriend.  His name was Mos; I loved him.”“What happened?”i.e. Brennan struggles with college life while still trying to get over his exUnderage tag for 16+ consensual sex





	1. Security

Brennan was sunk deep into subspace. He was on a bed, tied up and blindfolded. His ass was sore from a good spanking and Mos was currently placing clothespins on his skin. The skin over his ribs was pulled and then pinched by a clothespin. This was a bit puzzling to Brennan, as Mos knew his body even better than Brennan and his erogenous zones were his stomach and pelvis and thighs. But he was too floaty to question Mos. Mos knew what was best, he always made Brennan feel so good.

Hands smoothed over his skin, down his stomach and grabbing onto his hips. Thumbs massaged over the sharp hip bones and Brennan moaned at the feeling. The thumbs crept inwards to the hollow of his hips and he thrashed his head. God, that spot was so sensitive. His cock jumped on his stomach.

Mos shifted on the bed and Brennan sucked in a breath. This was when Mos would take his balls into his mouth and bring him close to climax. But the hands were removed from his hips and his balls weren’t enveloped in the scorching heat of Mos’ mouth. Instead, the clothespins on his sensitive nipples were tweaked, causing his whole body to attempt to jerk off the bed.

A hand grasped his cock firmly and started stroking slowly. It was lubed up and the frictionless slide felt heavenly. Brennan knew he was moaning, but he couldn’t help it. It felt so good.

The other hand ran across the clothespins on his sides. The pull didn’t do too much but knowing it was Mos who had put them there was erotic enough. Then the clothespins were being removed. The blood rushing back created a burning feeling, which was soothed when the hand rubbed at the mark. Thinking about the marks that were left behind made his cock twitch again.

Soon enough, all the clothespins on his sides were removed. Brennan sighed. He needed this to be more intense to cum. Yeah, it felt good, and yeah, he was feeling floaty in headspace, but he wasn’t feeling the desperate desire to cum that Mos usually made him feel.

“Mos,” Brennan moaned. “Mos, please.” Mos would know what he wanted. He was probably doing this on purpose, to make Brennan beg. He always enjoyed making Brennan beg.

“What is it, baby? You want to cum?”

Brennan’s whole body tensed up. That wasn’t Mos’ voice. That voice was too deep, too rough. What was happening?

The person above him must’ve noticed because he removed his hand from Brennan’s cock and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Brennan began to shake. Who was this? Where was Mos? “Mos?” Had he been abandoned? “Mos?” Why would he do that? “Mos!”

“Hey, baby, tell me what’s wrong.” Hands started soothing down his sides, but they were wrong. They were too rough, too big. Those weren’t Mos’ hands.

Brennan started thrashing in his bindings. The rope cut into his wrists, his upper arms, his thighs, and his ankles. He didn’t care. There was a strange man here with him and he was vulnerable before him. Tears were wetting the blindfold and it was no longer a comfort. His heart was hammering in his chest, he could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

“Calm down, stop it. You’re gonna hurt yourself.” Brennan didn’t listen. He had to get out of here. He had to find Mos.

The man above him swore, and then a heavy weight fell on top of Brennan, smothering him. But it protected him from the man. Brennan stopped struggling. He could still breathe and the weight was comforting. Although it made the clothespins on his nipples pull harshly.

After several minutes of calm, the stranger lifted the blanket off his head and removed the blindfold. Brennan looked the man over. He was pretty handsome, muscular, had piercings in his eyebrow and nose, and his eyes shone with concern.

“Who,” Brennan’s voice cracked and he licked his lips. “Who are you?”

Confusion etched itself across the stranger’s face. “I’m Sam. We met in the commons and agreed to scene together.” Sam looked very worried.

He had every right to, Brennan thought as his memories came back. He had come to the bdsm club because hookups weren’t giving him what he needed. He had found Sam and negotiated a scene and then they had found this private room. The scene had gone great, except in his haze, Brennan must’ve thought he was back with Mos. How stupid.

“I’m sorry,” Brennan whispered.

“Don’t be,” Sam said as he started to undo Brennan’s bindings. “We didn’t go over anything that would trigger you and I obviously did something that would.” Brennan winced as the clothespins on his nipples were removed. “Although, who is Mos?”

Brennan sat up. “He’s my ex,” he said quietly. Sam, smartly, didn’t ask any more questions.

—-

Brennan slipped into his dorm room quietly. He was now used to doing this after bad hookups and his roommate slept through almost anything. He sat down heavily on the bed. Tonight had been the worst night yet. Often he felt lost after even good hookups, the hole in his heart making itself known. Because nothing could ever be as good as what he had.

With a sigh, Brennan grabbed his phone. As if he hadn’t been tortured enough. He dialed in the number that was carved into his brain and hoped that no one would pick up and the voicemail hadn’t changed.

“Hey, it’s Mos.” A pause. Thank god, the voicemail was the same. “Sorry I couldn’t pick up, please leave me a message and I’ll try to get back to you.” Tears were streaming down Brennan’s face. “Oh, and Mama, CeCe, Brennan?” Brennan had to stifle his sobs so he could hear the next words. “I love you.”


	2. Meeting

Midterms were coming up and Brennan felt swamped. Every night was spent over his textbooks and notes and his stress levels were through the roof. He’d already cancelled appointments with his therapist twice. It was a bad idea, but he just didn’t have the time - or so he told himself.

The nights where he did make it to bed were restless. He had never slept well since coming to college, but now on top of everything else, that night at the club came up too. It had been over two weeks, but the embarrassment still burned. He also hadn’t been able to get hard since then and it was really frustrating. Masturbating was one of his fail-safes for comfort or sleep and without it, his nerves were fraying.

On the third night with little to no sleep, Brennan decided to fuck it - he needed a break. So grabbing his wallet and pepper spray, he left his dorm and headed to the bus stop.

The club was on a quiet street next to a residential community. It was almost midnight on a Thursday and no one was out, but nevertheless, Brennan held his pepper spray uncapped and ready.

A plain clothed man sat behind a desk and had him fill out papers again. Then he was inside and the loud music got his heart racing. He had only been to the club back home a couple times and this was his second time here. It was less packed today but there were still quite a few people milling about. An older man wearing nothing but a leather jockstrap and harness walked by and Brennan followed him to the sitting area. He wasn’t really interested in the public play tonight.

Brennan spotted a familiar face and grabbed two bottled waters before swinging over to the table Sam occupied. A dominatrix was talking to him with a naked sub kneeling by her feet. Brennan was relieved to see that Sam did not seem to have a sub right now.

The dominatrix spotted Brennan first and motioned for him to wait. So he stood quietly as the woman finished what she was telling Sam. Sam gave a hearty chuckle and then beckoned Brennan over.

“Sorry to disturb you, Sir, Madam,” Brennan said quietly. They both acknowledged him but when neither said anything, he pressed on. “I’m just, uh, I’m looking for a partner tonight.” He looked down at his shoes, hoping they would help him through the awkwardness that was him.

“That’ll be you,” the woman said and left with her sub. Sam gestured to her empty chair and Brennan settled down in it. Sam still hadn’t said anything, so Brennan held out a water in an attempt to make himself more useful, more appealing.

Sam laughed as he took the water bottle. “So, back for more?” Brennan blushed. “Maybe this time you can tell me what I can’t do? Tell me everything, because I really don’t want to have to use the security blanket on you again.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Brennan explained. “It’s just, I’ve only scened with one person, and I guess in headspace, I got confused.”

“Fair enough. What should I do to help you avoid that confusion?”

Brennan thought for a minute. “Is it possible you could, like, not talk in the scene?”

Sam’s face darkened and Brennan immediately felt like an ass.

“What, so you can pretend you’re still with your ex? So you can just use me to make yourself feel good? Sorry, but my self-esteem isn’t that low.” And he stormed off onto the play floor.

Brennan spent another hour moping about, but he could no longer bring himself to ask anyone to scene with him. He saw Sam go off with another submissive at some point. So, radiating misery and loneliness, Brennan went back to his dorm room unsatisfied.

—-

Brennan’s dreams took him back. Back all the way to middle school.

It was the first week in his new school. He was only 11, but so was everyone else. There were two elementary schools that funneled into this one, so he knew about half of the kids in his class. And while his elementary school had been mostly black, it looked like the other school had been white. Those kids also looked wealthier, with new clothes and shoes and folders that weren’t taped together from previous years.

The kids from the different schools were wary of each other. Brennan, being very shy, stuck to his small group of friends but tried to learn every bodies names. It was hard work.

It was Thursday. Kids were lined up along the walls of the classroom, eyeing the open seats in front of them. The teacher was explaining that they would all be in this class on Thursdays for block 4, which was also the block lunch would fall into. Then she announced that she would be picking seats.

A chorus of complaints rose, but the teacher was having none of it. She started pointing at kids and directing them to seats. She split up groups and placed black and white kids next to each other. Some immediately started talking and making friends while other astutely ignored each other.

Brennan was pointed at and placed at one of the three tables in the back. Another kid sat down across from him. The kid was white and obviously had some money, judging by the stain free shirt and box of new and sharpened colored pencils. His pale skin held light freckles across the bridge of his nose and light brown bangs almost covered his eyes. The boy had pretty hazel colored eyes. He looked strong and fit already at such a young age.

As Brennan was studying the boy, the boy was doing the same. Brennan knew what he saw - he saw the same thing in the dirty hallway mirror every day. A light-skinned boy (his father was black, mother white) who was too skinny for his own good. He wore hand-me-downs from his older brother that didn’t fit quite right. His hair was a natural Afro, but he hated taking care of it and it often had clumps of lint in it. Thankfully, his mother had made him pick out his hair the night before.

Both boys seemed to come to a conclusion at the same time. The white boy stuck out his hand and Brennan shook it. Like a man.

“My name is Bryce Motense. What’s yours?”

“Brennan Horen.”

“Good to meet you, Brennan. I hope we can be good friends.” Brennan simply nodded.

“Okay, kids, everyone have a seat? Very well, let’s get started. This class is art and it’s only for one day of the week. Here we will — yes?”

A little black girl near the front had raised her hand. “Josie, ma’am. And that girl didn’t get a seat.”

All heads turned towards where Josie was pointing. In the back of the classroom, next to the closed door, stood a small Asian girl with long black hair. She blushed as everyone looked at her and adjusted her glasses nervously.

“Oh dear, I am so sorry!” The teacher looked very flustered. The door hadn’t been opened since she began class, which means the girl had been there the whole time. “Please sit at table three, there’s a spot next to either of the boys.”

The girl took a seat next to Bryce and the teacher continued to talk and handed out syllabuses.

“Hey, what’s your name?” Bryce asked, but the girl didn’t answer. She refused to look him in the eye, too.

—-

The alarm woke Brennan up at 7, but he took a few minutes to remember his dream.

Class had gone on and a bell dismissed the kids for lunch halfway through. Brennan and Bryce sat together with some of Bryce’s old friends. The Asian girl sat by herself at the corner of the cafeteria, eating and reading a book.

And so that was the start of middle school. Art was the only class Brennan had with Bryce and the Asian girl, whose name was Lisa. While Brennan made friends in every class, Bryce by far became his closest. Maybe it was because, unlike a lot of kids he’s met, Bryce didn’t care that Brennan was better at art than he was. Although that wasn’t hard, Bryce couldn’t draw a stick figure to save his life. Whatever the case, the two boys bonded quickly and then spent their time trying to annoy Lisa. It didn’t usually work.

Lisa was very interesting. It turned out, she had gone to the same school as Bryce and had even been in some of his classes. (“How embarrassing!” Bryce has exclaimed upon being told this.) She rarely talked and read a lot - any time she wasn’t working on their art projects or homework, she had a book out. And she went through them fast. She always wore dark clothes covered in cat hair, too.

Soon enough, half of sixth grade was over and they didn’t have art anymore. Brennan didn’t see Bryce again except in the hallways while he had Lisa in gym with him. They never partnered up, though, because the gym teacher was misogynistic or something.

The alarm rang again and Brennan got up to go to class. He had this last day of classes before midterms - he had better use his time wisely.


	3. Masturbating

Brennan thought he heard his name and turned off the faucet. Voices echoed off the walls of the bathroom. One of them was Bryce.

“You can’t use those words,” he said hotly.

“And why not?” replied a girl. “That’s just a what he is. A nigger and a faggot.” Some girls were laughing.

“That’s not nice!” Bryce insisted. “Besides, he’s my friend and we have plans for tonight.”

“Well, if you come with us, we’ll have even more fun. Besides, everyone knows that being with a faggot makes you a faggot, too.”

“It does not!” Bryce sounded very agitated by now. “Tonight, Lisa and Brennan are coming over to my house and you guys aren’t invited.”

“Whatever, we wouldn’t want to hang out with losers anyway.” The girls laughed as they walked away.

—-

Brennan had just been staring at his test for at least ten minutes now. Why now, of all times? He needed to focus. But the words still circled inside his head.

That conversation was the first time he had really faced any sort of discrimination. It had been in seventh grade. Bryce, Lisa, and him sat together in English, and he and Bryce also had History together. They hung out a lot in school, and he and Bryce were together a lot outside of school too. It was always Bryce’s house, though, because Brennan didn’t want all his little brothers to annoy them.

Since overhearing that conversation, Brennan started noticing how people looked at them. They scoffed and judged. They laughed when he passed and pushed him aside in the hallways when he was alone. Brennan noticed that Lisa also received harassment - excluded from doing anything with any of the girls in the class. When a big birthday party was announced for one of the popular girls, they had ganged up on Lisa after school. Brennan and Bryce happened to stumble upon Lisa being cornered by a fair group of girls, who taunted her by asking where her invitation was and why she thought she didn’t get any. And if she wished she had a real birthday, too, which confused Brennan at the time.

Bryce was the one who had stepped in and told the girls off. The girls actually listened to him and tried to make excuses for themselves.

Brennan knew why this was happening. Bryce had signed up for the lacrosse team and all the girls were swooning over him. He hadn’t hit puberty, but Brennan and everyone else could tell that he would look very fine after it hit. And the girls were jealous.

Yet Bryce didn’t change for them. He continued to hang out with Brennan and Lisa.

Brennan shook his head to try clearing it and glanced at the clock. He had little less than an hour and still half of the test to finish.

—-

The test went terribly. Brennan hadn’t been able to concentrate and ended up writing down nonsense. But, at least it was the last of his tests. Now he had a couple days to finish up his painting and get ready for the holidays.

He pulled up a number and the line picked up on the third ring. “Motense estate, how may I help you?”

“Hi, Mrs. Sally, it’s me, Brennan.”

“Oh, Brennan, my dear! It’s been too long, you simply must tell me how art school is!”

And so they chatted for awhile before Brennan could bring up what he wanted to talk about.

“You won’t be coming over for Christmas Dinner?”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Sally, I don’t think I could handle it.”

“That’s quite alright, my dear. It’ll be sad not to have you, too, but I understand why.”

After that, they said their goodbyes, then Brennan spent the night trying to perfect the shadowing of breasts. He wasn’t able to master it that night.

Instead, he decided to get off. It had been too long since he had been able to get a load out - not even his morning wood sustained itself long enough.

His roommate was going to be at the library until it closed, as he has been for the past few nights. That gave Brennan a couple hours, which he hoped he wouldn’t need that much. He turned off the lights and plugged his phone in, stripped and grabbed the lube he kept in his drawer. As an afterthought, he grabbed a towel to lay beneath his hips.

He pulled up pornhub and simply typed in “gay moaning.” The sounds were usually good at getting him started. He chose a lengthy one whose title was something about a loving boyfriend and settled down to listen. The video didn’t show much anyway.

The bottom in the video was very expressive and his desperate moans washed over Brennan. He felt his dick begin to fill and lazily grabbed it with one hand. The guy in the video shrieked and Brennan winced. It sounded like the top had found his prostate.

Long minutes went by where the bottom moaned long and low, then short and high as the top kept changing his pace. Brennan rubbed at his cock but it was still only half hard. He would never cum at this rate - and now he wanted to because his balls had started up a familiar aching. So with a curse, he brought his knees up and pushed a pillow underneath his hips. He put a good amount of lube on his fingers - and this was the gel lube, which didn’t dry up as fast or make a mess down his arm. Brennan carefully rubbed his fingers around the rim of his hole, then paused. If he was going to do this, he ought to do it right.

He turned off the video and put his phone down. This was the first time he would be doing anal since he arrived at college. All his hookups were blowjobs and snuggles. Some had pressed him to fuck, but he never felt up to it.

Brennan closed his eyes and envisioned Mos. Mos, who knew his body better than anyone else, could make him feel so good and fly so high. He remembered the first time he and Mos had done anal. They were on Mos’ bed and Mos had lain beside him. One of Brennan’s arms had been trapped under Mos - along with one of Mos’ arms too - and the other was thrown over his eyes.

Even now, Brennan threw his right arm over his eyes. It was a go to position for him, made him feel like he wasn’t as vulnerable as he was. But being vulnerable had never been a problem while Mos was in bed with him.

He wiped his left hand on the towel - so much for the lube - and started rubbing over his chest and stomach. Mos always started with a firm touch that made him feel safe and secure. His fingertips brushed his nipples, but Mos hadn’t played with them then, so he wouldn’t play with them now.

He dipped his hand lower to rub sideways across his stomach and hips. He kept jolting his cock, now fully hard. God, why was it so difficult to move on?

At this point he remembered Mos moving down. Mos had sucked on his cock and played with his balls. Brennan used his hands instead. When he was leaking over his stomach, just imagining how it felt with his lovely boyfriend (ex-boyfriend), he put lube on the hand fondling his balls and moved it lower. Mos had licked his way over his balls, down his perineum, and then circled his hole. Brennan’s fingers followed the path, hips hitching up as he tried to get a good angle.

He groaned in frustration. His fingers felt nothing like a tongue - too narrow and cool. And nothing could’ve felt like Mos’ mouth. That boy had seemed to love eating Brennan’s ass, his tongue alternating between broad strokes and teasing the rim.

When prompted, Mos had moved up to lay next to Brennan again. Brennan turned his head now, as if looking for a kiss. No lips touched his and he groaned again. His heart ached and he would have stopped with that, but his balls were feeling super uncomfortable now.

So with one hand he jerked himself off slowly and the other he imagined still belonged to Mos. He let the finger circle around his hole for a couple minutes before pressing inside. After all the teasing, it simply slipped in. It felt weird, as it always did, but good. It felt right.

He wiggled that finger around while the hand on his cock increased in pace. He rarely touched his hole and it showed when he pushed a second finger in. It burned, he hadn’t been prepared enough. Tears pricked at his eyes. It had never felt like this with Mos.

Pushing the pain to the back of his mind, Brennan stroked himself harder. He hooked his two fingers to the front of his body, looking for the prostate. It took an agonizingly long time to find it, and he hadn’t changed the pace of his other hand. His dick was starting to become sore. The fingertips against his prostate didn’t cause him to arch his back like usual. It barely caused any arousing feelings at all. In fact, he wasn’t even feeling aroused right now. Right now, he wanted to relieve the pressure in his balls and go to sleep.

Memories rose from the back of his mind. Memories of lips on his, touches to his body, the sound of his name whispered. They all hurt, to know that he couldn’t have them ever again. Tears flowed freely as he continued to press against his prostate and rub his dick. He didn’t want to do this anymore. It hurt too much, physically and emotionally.

Brennan was too distracted to notice that his body was nearing an orgasm. It hit him by surprise, but it didn’t feel good. He felt the spasming in his balls and dick and the hot liquid flowed over his hand. But the euphoria of orgasm, the mindless bliss, wasn’t there. No, he just felt ashamed. Ashamed at his body, at himself, just ashamed at everything. Why couldn’t life go back to the way it was?

He had enough mind to cover himself before he fell into a restless sleep.

—-

“Guys, I’m going to France this summer and my parents are getting me a smartphone!” Bryce was jumping up and down with excitement. School wouldn’t be over for another month but all the kids were already talking about summer plans.

“Yeah, too bad you don’t have anyone to talk to, though,” Lisa teased.

Bryce frowned. He still found it difficult to believe not everyone was as affluent as his family.

“What else will you do this summer?” Brennan hoped Bryce would have time to hang out. He got lonely very easily. “My mom said I have to find work, but it’ll probably only be mowing lawns or something.”

“I’m signed up for lacrosse after I get back. But I should be able to hang out.” Brennan smiled.

“Well I,” Lisa broke in, “am going to China and still will not be getting a smartphone.”

Both Brennan and Bryce’s eyes got wide. Bryce had gone to France last year, and it wasn’t nearly as far or foreign as China.

“To visit your family?” Brennan asked.

Lisa frowned. “No, I’m adopted. My mom is white.”

“But your father?” Bryce pressed.

“Have you ever seen someone who resembles a father figure to me?”

Now that he thought about it, no. Brennan had seen Lisa’s mother, grandmother, aunt, and uncle on occasion, but never a father.

“Idiots,” she mumbled.


	4. Home

There was a gaping hole where his chest should be.

It was December 23rd and he was home until the end of January. Brennan wasn’t sure he would be able to make it.

He had been fine the first few hours. Coming back from New York, he was excited to see his family and they were excited to see him. Nice happy reunion.

He had recounted the few things that were noteworthy from his semester, then listened to his little brothers tell him a variety of funny and not-so-funny stories from school.

It felt good. Brennan felt better than he had in, like, forever. Certainly since the start of college.

And then his youngest brother, at age five, asked him if he had found another boyfriend yet.

The world seemed to freeze. Everyone went quiet and studied Brennan - for what kind of reaction, he didn’t know. His stomach dropped and his eyes stung, but he forced his smile to stay on his face. “No, I haven’t.” Those words tried to choke him, to make him break, but he stayed strong. For his brothers, if nobody else.

Conversation picked up again, albeit awkwardly. Brennan managed to ground out a couple more sentences before excusing himself to his room. Pressure was building behind his nose and his head was starting to pound. He felt feverish and cold all at once. He tried to keep the memories at bay, and when he no longer could, made sure to roll onto his pillow to muffle his sobs.

That had been two days ago, but the days hadn’t gotten any better. Yesterday, he had accompanied his mother and two brothers to Walmart. He didn’t think it would be so hard. Although, he should have. This had been Mos’ go-to store and he often dragged Brennan with him.

Everything reminded him of Mos. The bakery by the doors wafted out the smell of warm sugar cookies. Mos had loved to bake for the holidays. Mariah Carey’s Christmas song - Mos loved to sing it woefully out of tune. Pokémon cards: Mos had painted them and sold them on Etsy. All the little things Brennan never thought about had a connection to Mos. It was sickening.

He spent the rest of the day in his room. Then, just today (the 23rd), he received a text.

“Will pick you up in 10”

[SUSPENDED SCENE] Chapter title: It’s a Cold and it’s a Broken Hallelujah

And so he laid in bed, mind circling with everything. He couldn’t feel his limbs. His heart was an empty hole. His whole body shook with sobs that he couldn’t control and from his mouth came ugly sounds that wouldn’t stop. No tears fell - he was too dehydrated by now. Nothing would ever be the same, could ever be the same. It didn’t matter if he died now. It didn’t matter if he lived. He would never find love again, not the love he once had. He didn’t want that kind of love again, for it was held in a special place inside him. His first love.

And the pain was unbelievable.

Brennan let himself cry because it would be the last time he would. He had promised. Promised himself, promised Mos. He would move on. He would stay strong. Tomorrow. For tonight, he let himself feel.

—-

“I want to ask Lisa to date me.”

Brennan and Bryce were at the ice cream parlor. It was just a little shack on the edge of Brennan’s neighborhood. Bryce had just gotten back from France and looked very handsome, tanner and freckles more numerous on his face. His fitted shirts showed off the musculature he was building. Brennan was also a bit darker, having been working in the sun. Mowing wasn’t nearly as physically involving as lacrosse and Brennan’s body really wasn’t made to show off muscles either. He was still as scrawny as when Bryce first met him.

“Didja hear me?”

“Yeah.” It made Brennan uncomfortable. It had always been the three of them, together. What was he saying?

“I, well, I think I like her. I know I like her.” Bryce was deep in thought.

Brennan hesitated. He wanted to object - the thought of his two closest friends dating put a terrible taste in his mouth and he wasn’t sure why. But who was he to decide what other people could do? “Umm, why are you telling me this?”

Bryce considered this for a moment. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want to do this without your support.”

Brennan knew he should speak up. He didn’t want Bryce to date Lisa. And here Bryce was giving him a way to stop it before it happens.

But his mama didn’t raise no home wrecker.

And so Bryce would ask Lisa out the first day of school. And so Brennan’s world would change forever.

Brennan and Bryce were able to hang out a few more times before school, but Bryce was very busy with sports and church obligations. Each time, Bryce mainly talked about Lisa and each time, Brennan’s heart felt a little heavier. He wasn’t sure what was going on.

—-

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day passed in a slow, meaningless blur. Brennan tried not to think about Mos and his loving family and their holiday traditions. He spent the first Christmas with his own family in three years. It was dreadfully boring. He put on a smile for his brothers but the more he tried to not compare this year to previous ones, the more removed he became.

His two close high school friends picked him up and hung out for a couple days. They didn’t ask about Mos and Brennan couldn’t tell if they had forgotten or didn’t care. It didn’t really matter anyways.

He didn’t have a New Years kiss when the ball finally dropped. Instead, he made to sneak as much alcohol as possible. It wasn’t enough.

One week passed, and then another. Brennan went through the days mindlessly. He found himself staring blankly at nothing for hours if left alone in his room. So he decided to start a project that would hopefully help him move on.

—-

What neither of the boys had thought of was Lisa’s response.

“No.”

“Why?”

“‘Cuz I don’t want to.”

It was the first day back at school. Eighth grade was important - for what, not even the teachers knew.

Bryce and Brennan were placed in the same homeroom and after checking their classes, they had peeked into each of the other homerooms to find Lisa. Of course, she was in the last classroom they looked into. But it took them a hot second to figure that out.

Because Lisa looked different. She still wore the same clothes - a graphic t-shirt and plain shorts - and wore glasses and read by herself. But she no longer had hair. Well, she did, but it had been cut short. No longer were straight black locks hanging to the middle of her back. Instead, layers of it fell into her eyes, the tops of her ears, the back of her neck. It was a cute look that caught both boys by surprise.

After fussing over the state of her hair, Bryce had popped the question. And been rejected.

Brennan’s first response was relief. Followed immediately by guilt. He should feel sympathetic towards his best friend but he didn’t and wasn’t sure why.

“Is it because you like someone else?” Bryce was pestering.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “No,” she said slowly, as if talking to someone dull, “it’s because middle and high school relationships don’t last long. I’m waiting until college.” She sounded very confident in herself.

The last few minutes of homeroom were spent with Brennan and Lisa comparing schedules and Bryce sulking a table over. Brennan felt awkward, super awkward, but Lisa payed Bryce no mind.


	5. New

The taste of bile was strong.

Brennan took another swallow from his water bottle. He’d already downed a whole one.

It had happened as soon as he walked into his first chemistry lab. The smell of antiseptic had immediately hit him and before he made a conscious decision, he was on his knees and spewing lunch onto the ground.

Back in his dorm room, he brushed his teeth and finished the bottle of water. He thought he could still taste the vomit but surely it was only his imagination. With a sigh, he lay on his bed. He would have to switch out of the class. But first, a nap.

—-

Eighth grade was a terrible year for Brennan. Bryce - who everyone was now calling Motense (supposedly sports kids go by last names) - was avoiding Lisa, which wasn’t very hard. All their classes were different and Lisa was often busy volunteering or going to meetings for the National Junior Honor Society. Apparently, invitations for application had been sent out at the end of last year to the top 25 percent of the grade. Neither Motense or Brennan had gotten invitations. Brennan only shared one class with Lisa: art. They mostly sat in companionable silence since chatty Motense wasn’t there to facilitate conversation.

Motense himself was ... changing. He didn’t walk with Brennan nearly as much as he used to. Instead, he stood in the middle of hallways and let girls flirt with him. When he did grace Brennan with conversation, it was stilted and awkward.

True devastation hit early November. While Brennan’s mom was working late one night, his father quietly packed all his belongings and left. No one knew where he went and Brennan’s mom wasn’t sure what had gone wrong. His father’s absence left everyone in the house cranky and Brennan found himself often haunting the neighborhood playground and local cafe. Alone.

A week later, Brennan’s mom tested positive for pregnancy.

—-

Every day was the same. He woke up an hour before his first class. Took a long shower and maybe grabbed a small breakfast. He tried to stay awake during his first class. Then he had a couple hours for lunch, studying, or a nap. His other class was an evening class. Two mornings, two evenings. His schedule was fine and allowed him the break he needed in order to be functional.

And if he didn’t hang out with anyone, well, that was because he didn’t have anyone to hang out with. Sure, he made acquaintances in his classes last semester, but he had only exchanged numbers with one of them and they hadn’t talked since the one group project.

Brennan was just extremely lonely. He spent a lot of time in his room, thankful that it was winter in New York. He wasn’t sure how he would have dealt with hearing people happy and joyful walking around campus in nice weather. He just really needed a friend.

—-

Brennan was constantly distracted and couldn’t focus on anything. His average grades dropped quickly. Luckily, Lisa was nosy and got a peek at his progress report.

And so they would meet once a week after school to help Brennan with his studies. Lisa chose the town library, in which Brennan had never gone to before. They didn’t actually start meeting up until after Christmas break.

Brennan spent most of the holidays in his room, sketching out whatever he wanted at the moment. There were many portraits of Lisa and Motense.

—-

“Excuse me.” Someone touched Brennan’s shoulder and he whirled around.

The guy was tall, almost as tall as Brennan himself. A bit pale and fairly thin with loose curls in his dark blonde hair. His hair still looked damp from a recent shower, but was probably freezing in the frigid afternoon. As Brennan watched a flush crept into the guy’s cheeks and he hunched his shoulders forward.

“Sorry, but, ah... um, sorry.” The guy ducked his head and scurried back to a group of girls whom had been watching and now began screeching and attracting even more attention to the guy.

Feeling sorry for the poor man, Brennan turned around and headed to the cafeteria. His alarm hadn’t woken him from his nap and he only had 30 minutes before his evening class.

He ended up being late to class despite only eating half a meal. Fortunately, the professor either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He diligently took note but could understand how the professor got answers from the combination of numbers and letters. He left class feeling pretty stupid.

Unfortunately, fate decided to throw one more obstacle his way before he could make it to the safety of his room.

As he was passing the fountain in the middle of the campus, a girl broke away from her group and marched over to him with purpose. Brennan really couldn’t continue as she planted herself in front of him without seeming rude. But he just wanted to study and sleep. And maybe eat.

“Brennan? My friend,” she gestured to her group, which consisted of the girls and man from early, “was too shy to properly ask you his question. Can you give him another chance?”

Brennan was really tired but he couldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and shoo it away. So he followed the girl back to her group to talk to the man, whose face was beet red at this point. Thankfully, the girls moved away to let the guys talk. They were still close enough to eavesdrop, but Brennan appreciated the illusion of privacy anyway.

“What did you want?” If he sounded a bit short, he could blame it on being tired. It was getting dark.

The guy looked down at his shoes and mumbled, “I just, I was wondering if you, um, I don’t know. I wanted to ask you, um, well. Would you like to, maybe, like, go somewhere to eat? With me?” It was painful to listen to him stumble through but at least he had gotten it out.

Brennan was uncomfortable. He would really have rather turned the guy down, but what came out of his mouth was, “sure.” Oops.

The guy gave a tentative smile and pulled out his phone. “Would you like to, um...?” It seemed he had reached his limit for asking questions. And that, Brennan could actually understand; he had been like that once upon a time.

Brennan juggled his folders and pulled his phone out too. Now that he had agreed to go out with the guy, he couldn’t very well just deny a perfectly reasonable request.

They exchanged numbers and then Brennan was on his way again. He heard the girls chattering to the guy as he walked away.

Wait. What was the guy’s name? Well, this would be awkward.

—-

With his Christmas money, Brennan bought an early generation smartphone. His only contacts were his mother, Motense, and Lisa, who shared her flip phone with her quirky little sister.

Mid-January, Lisa announced that she had been accepted into a program for academically gifted students that focuses on STEM. The problem was that this program was housed at another school.

This knowledge bothered Brennan. Even though he was rarely with both his friends at the same time, it meant that he wouldn’t see Lisa anymore. She was almost always busy outside of school now. He doubted she would be able to continue his weekly tutoring.

And so his dull mood worsened.

“Brennan.” A hand touched his. It was cool from the chill temperature of the room.

Brennan looked up to meet Lisa’s eyes. They were in the library working on his homework. It was late February and the afternoon sun streamed through the large windows to hit her in the face. Her dark eyes seemed to be lit in the rays until she tilted her head and her glasses reflected the light differently.

“You’re spacing out again. We can move onto math, if you’d like.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear but it was so short that as soon as she removed her hand, it fell back into her face.

Brennan looked down at his work. They were revising an essay and he still couldn’t seem to get his there, they’re, and theirs right. He really didn’t want to do any of this.

“Do you want to go to the cafe after this?” he blurted out.

Lisa frowned and that furrow appeared between her eyebrows. “I have an NJHS meeting in,” she glanced at the clock, “an hour. It goes until 7:30. Then I have some homework and a test to study for.”

“Oh,” Brennan said, trying not to sound disappointed. He forced a little smile on his face. “That doesn’t sound very fun.”

Lisa mimicked his smile. “No, not fun at all.”

They moved onto pre-algebra and then chemistry. Lisa has taken pre-algebra two years ago but seemed to remember everything and gave him little tricks to remember things. The teacher couldn’t explain things as well as Lisa. Chemistry she seemed to pick up as they went along - her class was behind his, she explained with a roll of her eyes.

Soon enough they were packing up. Brennan tried to keep the misery he felt off of his face, but wasn’t sure how much he succeeded.

“So, is your mom or my mom driving us to the Ms. Suzy’s?” Ms. Suzy’s was the cafe.

Brennan looked over at Lisa in shock. “But you have so much to do!”

She shrugged. So that was it. If there was one thing Brennan had learned about Lisa, it was that once she made up her mind, no one could change it.

—-

Brennan didn’t ask for the guy’s name. Even as they texted back and forth to settle on a place, date, and time, he was too embarrassed to bring up his mistake.

And now he was sifting through his drawers for something to wear. He couldn’t very well wear the paint stained sweatpants and tee shirt he was used to wearing. He had to make himself look somewhat presentable.

But then, what did he care? He didn’t really want to date. Sure, the guy had some looks to him but Brennan wasn’t looking to tie himself down. Who knew if he’d care about Brennan sleeping around?

So Brennan made a plan. He would let the man off gently, say he was a wonderful person (if he was) and ask if he would like to be friends. Because he really needed a friend.

That decided, Brennan threw on a floral cotton shirt and his denim overalls. There were some paint splatters on the legs of the overalls but just a bit and he was often called cute when he wore them. By one person.

He made sure to put on his coat and gloves. The sun was out but the air had gotten even colder, as impossible as it seemed. He made his trek along the west side of the campus for about four blocks, then took a turn onto a side street. While this wasn’t the best area of the city, it wasn’t as dangerous as other parts. Still, he was watchful.

About 20 minutes later he arrived at Chipotle. His ears and face were severely cold, but at least he could still feel them. The heat inside the restaurant had him shedding his coat almost immediately. He looked around, but the guy wasn’t here yet. Checked his phone; he was actually five minutes late. His fingers typed out a question, but he hesitated to send it. He didn’t want to sound demanding or anything.

Just as he decided to send it anyway, the door opened behind him and he heard a rushed, “I’m so sorry, I left really early,” Brennan turned around to see the guy, breathing heavily and slightly bent, as if he had run a long way, “but I almost got hit by a car and then I kinda got lost because someone was following me I think and then I wanted to get you something but I forgot to check for a place on the way and I’m so sorry, but, um, I don’t think I’m too late and so, well, here.” He held up a little box with both hands, still breathing hard. His lengthy explanation hadn’t really allowed him to catch his breath.

Brennan gently took the box and looked it over. Chocolates. “I hate chocolate.” What? Had he said that out loud?

The guy’s face visibly fell and Brennan tried to repair what damage he could. “No, no, it was a good thought. I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude, just, I’m not used to, not to say that you aren’t, I mean, people —“

The door had opened and a couple was staring icily at the two young men. Without thinking, Brennan grabbed the other guy’s arm and pulled him farther into the restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” he finished lamely. “It was a really nice thought.”

The guy nodded, still looking pretty dejected. He shed his coat and hid the box within it. Then they both stood there kind of staring at each other, not sure what to do.

Probably having more experience with these kind of standoffs, Brennan broke the silence first. He asked if they wanted to eat, the guy agreed and then they stood in line without talking or making eye contact. Their date was going great.

Once seated across from each other, they each picked at their food. Brennan wasn’t really a fast eater and felt super uncomfortable eating with this guy. It would help if they made conversation.

Surprisingly, it was the other man that broke the silence this time. “You’re, um, you’re a freshman, right?”

“Yeah. And you are?”

“A sophomore,” the guy said quietly. A slight blush graced his cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m so awkward. I’m just not great with people.” He winced. That was not what a potential SO would want to hear.

“Honestly, I don’t care.” And Brennan was being honest. He obviously wasn’t super extroverted either. “And it’s been a long time since I’ve done this, so I’m probably a bit rusty.”

“Have you, um, have you ever dated before?” He was shy, obviously never having dated himself.

Brennan gave a small smile. This guy was pretty cute. “I’ve had one boyfriend. His name was Mos; I loved him.”

“What happened?”

—-

Lisa dumped another whole packet of sugar into her tea. She had ordered a plain green and he a vanilla chai.

The cafe had a cozy atmosphere. It was small and had little tables of two to four cushioned seats. The drinks came in colorful ceramic mugs and weren’t expensive. They also sold pastries and artisan breads.

“So have you been looking at colleges yet?” Lisa asked.

Brennan scoffed. “Please.”

That earned him a giggle. “Me neither,” she admitted. “I thought maybe your older brother was and roped you into it.”

“He’s not going to college. We don’t have the money; he’ll be interning at an electric company part time.”

Lisa nodded in understanding. She sipped at her tea, content to be quiet again, and Brennan stirred his chai as thoughts began to cloud his mind. Thoughts about his mom, his dad, his brothers, Motense.

“My biggest fear is slugs.”

It was so unexpected and unprompted that, after a moment of confusion, Brennan burst out laughing. It was a genuine, joyful sound and he couldn’t remember the last time he had sounded like this. It felt liberating.

By the time they left, the sun was casting its last rays on the world. The sky was a deep blue and the moon was hanging in a crescent on the horizon. Street lamps were flickering to life and the air held the promise of morning frost.

It was only a 12 minute walk to Lisa’s house, so they bundled up and set off. Halfway through the walk, as she was explaining her favorite movies, she took Brennan’s gloved hand in her own. He didn’t protest or pull away because, if he was honest with himself, it felt nice. He hadn’t realized how much he had been craving human touch for who knows how long.

At her house, Lisa fed the cats and popped in the movie they had agreed upon. They both settled on the recliner and Lisa tangled their legs together, then rested her head on his shoulder. They fell asleep like that.

It wasn’t until one in the morning that Lisa’s mother remembered that Brennan was over and took him home. And Brennan didn’t mind when his mom yelled at him for not picking up his phone or coming home on time because, for him, this had been the best night he could ever remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Straight bait? I think not. This entire work is strictly gay


End file.
